The trouble for me with blogging is that I have a million things I want to say .. a million things that would be so therapeutic to express .. and a giant, booming inner voice that is constantly judging what my fingers are itching to type.
"Nobody cares what you think," it yells at me.
"Nobody really wants to know your innermost feelings - that's what a journal is for!"
"Be careful," it warns. "You will probably offend so-and-so if you say that."
And on, and on, and on.
So I sit to write, and my thoughts freeze up. I prejudge what I'm about to write. I decide to write about something else. I delete. I try to write about what I think people might be interested in. And I realize I can't win, because I don't know who is reading this blog, or what they find interesting, or whether their expectation is to know the current weather conditions in Portland or my feelings on Isaiah Washington's accusations surrounding his firing despite the fact that I've never watched an episode of Grey's Anatomy ...
The deeper issue is that I have a problem with expectations. Wanting to meet the expectations of the people that I love, even without really knowing what they are, and blowing them up in my mind to disproportionately huge and unsurmountable demands.
It's silly, but very real, and horrifically, embarrassingly paralyzing.
Which is a simplified explanation of why I don't blog as often as I'd like.
I want to blog more. And I'd like to change my focus from being on the reader to being on me. Because it's my stupid blog. My readers can write their own stupid blogs. If I want to rant, I should rant. If I want to emote, I should feel free to do that. If I never want to post a picture of my cats or my house or my oodles of nieces and nephews, then I shouldn't.
All big talk, really, because I'll never not edit myself. But you get the idea.
In my last post, I ranted. Past rants have really never been commented on (which is another topic for another day), but this one was. I was so encouraged by Mike and Judy's comments. They made me feel heard and understood. It felt like someone "got" me.
And I think that's always been my ultimate goal for this blog. To give people a chance, if they want it, to "get" me. Not that I'm so very complex or that I live such an absorbing life ... but if that's what I want to try to accomplish here, well:
It's. My. Stupid. Blog.
If I say it enough times, maybe I'll give myself permission to act on it.
Stay tuned.
"Nobody cares what you think," it yells at me.
"Nobody really wants to know your innermost feelings - that's what a journal is for!"
"Be careful," it warns. "You will probably offend so-and-so if you say that."
And on, and on, and on.
So I sit to write, and my thoughts freeze up. I prejudge what I'm about to write. I decide to write about something else. I delete. I try to write about what I think people might be interested in. And I realize I can't win, because I don't know who is reading this blog, or what they find interesting, or whether their expectation is to know the current weather conditions in Portland or my feelings on Isaiah Washington's accusations surrounding his firing despite the fact that I've never watched an episode of Grey's Anatomy ...
The deeper issue is that I have a problem with expectations. Wanting to meet the expectations of the people that I love, even without really knowing what they are, and blowing them up in my mind to disproportionately huge and unsurmountable demands.
It's silly, but very real, and horrifically, embarrassingly paralyzing.
Which is a simplified explanation of why I don't blog as often as I'd like.
I want to blog more. And I'd like to change my focus from being on the reader to being on me. Because it's my stupid blog. My readers can write their own stupid blogs. If I want to rant, I should rant. If I want to emote, I should feel free to do that. If I never want to post a picture of my cats or my house or my oodles of nieces and nephews, then I shouldn't.
All big talk, really, because I'll never not edit myself. But you get the idea.
In my last post, I ranted. Past rants have really never been commented on (which is another topic for another day), but this one was. I was so encouraged by Mike and Judy's comments. They made me feel heard and understood. It felt like someone "got" me.
And I think that's always been my ultimate goal for this blog. To give people a chance, if they want it, to "get" me. Not that I'm so very complex or that I live such an absorbing life ... but if that's what I want to try to accomplish here, well:
It's. My. Stupid. Blog.
If I say it enough times, maybe I'll give myself permission to act on it.
Stay tuned.
5 comments:
You my dear, need to just run with it!
I stop and check your blog each and every day, hoping, that you have made a post. I don't post as often as I'd like, and for the exact same reasons. But I think I have a cure for that, and I'll send you a private email about it.
I think I know where I got that "wanting to please everyone" attitude too...BOEC. You walked into that place every day on egg shells wondering what new drama was going on, and you just wanted to stay away from it, now that you are gone, much like myself, thats something that has stuck with you. I could be completely off base with that, but I know thats where mine came from. I'm sick of it, it needs to stop. I'm getting ready to make some huge life changing additions/subtractions to my life, and this is one of the things high on my priority list. I'm me, and if you don't like it...well, then don't read my blog.
Remember Ronda, the ones that love you, already know you, and we love you for who you are, getting to hear/read your true feelings on things, is only going to intensify that love, even if it's things we feel differently about.
I could not agree with Crystal more about that those who already love you want to hear about your true feelings on things!
I'm sorry I don't leave comments more. Sometimes I don't know what to say and that's why I don't, but I read each and every blog you write! It IS YOUR blog and yes, write whatever you want! People are probably bored of all of the photos I post of Bennett on our blog, but I figure, it's my space to put what I want on it!
I'll be staying tuned for more wonderful opinions/observations/ideas, etc from my Ronda-Roo!!! :o) Love you girl!
Ya know what Rhonda, IT'S YOUR BLOG! Write what you want. If people think you are offending them, there is that little red box with a white X in it up there in the top right of the screen. Feel offended, click the little red box! And then get on with your life. Geez, it's just your opinion, and I don't have to agree. I can choose to disagree and move on. But most likely, I agree with you.
So post my funny little friend, make me think, make me laugh, make me cry. Just Git 'er done!!! (Every time I see Larry the Cable Guy, I see you melting off the couch and I double over laughing all over again!!!) Post about that! :-)
hi ronda,
sarah here! a public journal may offend, but who cares... so far i've heard the self-editing and no so much offending :-) uh, oh... what might you say now? just kidding.
hope you are well !
and, um, shannon, i do like looking at bennett's photos!
Ronda, I think it's time for an update? Perhaps you could put up something about how much you secretly long to be with that devilishly handsome Mike instead of that idiot Steven. Just a helpful nod in a direction you might want to run with. Up to you in the end.
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